Death to Lowe's

Boycott Lowe's Immediately

Ice, I feel your Primal Pain, man!

I have just returned from that most loathesome of mega-sized shopping places, Lowe's. That place is a total fucking NIGHTMARE!!

OK, let's get the vitals out of the way; here are the details on the particular Lowe's store in question:

Lowe's of C. Ventura, CA #1734
500 South Mills Road
Ventura, CA 93003
805-675-8800 (phone)
805-675-8803 (fax)

Here's a map:

Now you know where to send your letters, phone calls, and firebombs of complaint.

OK, here's what happened:

I've been to the Lowe's in my town 3 times since it opened. I thought the last time was the last time. My wife and I got some Lowe's gift cards as wedding gifts from some of our friends. Now, usually free money is great, but when it comes with a headache, that kind of kills the joy. I finally was able to spend the remaining balance on, what I thought was, the last card.

But, nooooo! Recently, I discovered one last card with some money on it. I needed some plywood to build shelves out in the laboratory, so I figured that couldn't be too hard to accomplish at Lowe's. Famous last words.

I head to Lowe's, gift card in hand. I know exactly what I want, and the nice person on the phone said they cut the plywood for free. So far, so good. I get to the store and the first person I see is Pimples (the summer-employed high school kid who physically pushed me away from the cable cutting machine on my last visit there); I avoid him and head straight to the lumber section. I find the size and style (not to mention unwarped) plywood I want, but there's no one around to help me move it. An 8-foot by 4-foot sheet of 5/8 inch plywood is kinda heavy and very unwieldy for a single person to manipulate; nevertheless, I manage to get the wood all the way from the front of the store to the rear, where the plywood saw is located. I push the button for assistance (yeah, like that's going to work), check my watch and wait 12 minutes. While waiting, I read the signs on the machine, and I am confused as to whether this is self-serve or not. I walk all the way back to the front of the store, ask a lady at the Contractor's Service Desk if the machine is self-serve. She says no, and gives me the stink-eye. I get about half way back to the machine, and some employee runs up and says he's gonna cut the wood for me. Wow, I didn't even have to ask. Hmmm, maybe it'll be a good day after all.

Uh oh, I wished too soon. The guy is futzing with the saw, getting it ready for the cuts; he pushes the start buttton and, POP! He blew the circuit breaker on it. I'm thinking, "All right, just a few minutes, and we'll be back on track.

Uh oh, I wished too soon. The guy starts explaining to me about how the circuit breaker is really far away, and he doesn't want to deal with it right now, so he won't be able to cut my plywood....

WHAT THE F*%$ ?!? I just wasted an hour because some asshole is too lazy to go flip a switch to make the machine work? UNACCEPTABLE!!

I leave that moron in mid-sentence (he can put those two sheets of plywood away) and immediately head to the Customer Service Desk. I wait another 11 minutes in line to ask for the money off the card. A cute, summer-employed high school girl is the unfortunate soul who has to deal with raging, hypomanic Henry as he begins to explain how he wants the money off the card because he refuses to shop at Lowe's ever again.

Uh oh, I wished too soon. She calls over a mananger; he must be the twin brother of the guy from the late night smoke shop of The Cost of Living Keeps Going Up fame. He has the same dull look in his eye, just like Blaster:



He starts telling me that he can't give me the cash for the card. I let him know that I would not be shopping at Lowe's anymore and that I will be taking my money elsewhere. He says that it's company policy, and that's there's nothing he can do. I explain to him, and several people within a 30 foot radius, that the customer service on every ocassion I have been in the store is deplorable. He offers a very weak, insincere apology, but never asks what today's problem is. I explain that the idiot in the back is too lazy to flip the circuit breaker on the wood cutting saw, so I have wasted 45 minutes of my time (an hour after driving back home empty-handed), and that's wholly unacceptable! The bozo still couldn't catch a clue; he starts in with some kind of aggressive attitude, so I look at his name badge and say, "Listen, Sean, Zone Manager, I will be sure to let Lowe's Corporate know that you were unwilling to assist me with my customer service complaints today." To that he replied all huffy that he didn't care and that I would just have to take it up with corporate. I snatched my gift card away from his fat little webbed fingers, and proceeded to the nearest exit.

To add insult to injury, Sean followed me out of the store all posturing like he was going to kick my ass if I tried to vandalize anything on the way out of the store. Don't worry Sean, I won't be trashing the store on my way out; I'll just find out where you live and make sure the cops know that it is a secret meth lab.

So, I'll be writing a little letter to Lowe's corporate and demanding my money off that gift card. I will never shop at that Hell hole ever again!

I'll come back and post the letter for the whole cyberverse to see after I am done composing it.

BTW, I'm not the only one complaining about the nastiness that is Lowe's: check out the Consumer Affairs website about Lowe's.

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